“We know that crying is a good and natural thing. We know that crying isn’t a weakness, but a kind of strength. Still, the weeping rips us root by tangled root from the earth, and we crash like fallen trees when we cry.” Shantaram: A Novel
I can’t cry. I want to be able to, sometimes. Not now – but this has been bothering me for a long time.
Is this emotional resilience a good thing? Does it serve me or does it mean that I’m failing to experience the full spectrum of human emotions? I work hard to have empathy for myself and others. I have conquered, and I embrace the typical spectrum of human emotions including love, anger, joy, and contentment but the last bastion for me is actually crying, and I can’t do it and haven’t been able to for a long time. Sadness I can do. I don’t do it often, in fact I can’t remember the last time I was sad. Maybe it’s because I just don’t care what people think. Most people seem to be sad or are crying because of external factors. I choose not to be affected by external factors.
When I see pain in others or sadness I feel moved, concerned and want to reach out and make it better, particularly with woman – we do that as men. Women don’t want us to make it better though they want us to listen, be supportive and experience the moment with them in all its glory.
I believe that everything we experience in life is beautiful – whether it be, joy, pain, sadness, happiness or just our default daily state – you know, how you feel most days as you move through life and not much happens apart from the ordinary. The ordinary I believe is beautiful.
I have empathy for my feelings of sadness but I can’t seem to fully embrace them and actually cry. I’m not sad at the moment, nor do I currently feel like crying. I haven’t for a long time. I think there is a part of me that chooses not to allow myself to experience negative emotions because there is a part of me that believes they don’t serve me and help me achieve my goals in life – that’s because I’m an eternal optimist, a glass half full guy, I see the good in people, believe anything is possible, etc. Is it because I live this that I limit my ability to truly experience the negative – not that sadness is a negative – we just choose to classify it as a negative typically.
So for now my focus is on embracing sadness, sitting with it. Feeling it and hopefully crying sometime soon.
21/04/2012 Update. I cried. It was amazing.
Why? Because I watched this.